Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
