so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize