I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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