saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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