He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
