Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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