Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I love you.
Bad choice
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