I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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