A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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