please come you make the beer taste better
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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