so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
