I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have already put on my inside pants.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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