Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
