I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
