meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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