oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
