Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
