Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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