Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
