you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize