so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
