when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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