Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
