ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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