Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
