I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
