I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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