I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
