Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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