Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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