I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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