The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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