i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
