i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
kristin has been a bad kristin
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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