OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
