4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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