Someone shit on the floor
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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