His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is wine microwaveable?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
