Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
