Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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