i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
