If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
