I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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