You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
