Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
