he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
