I will die if light touches me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
