Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That accounts for only three of the penises
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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