Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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