That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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