Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
