I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
