I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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