If that was your dad, he is hot
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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