you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
