apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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