I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
