Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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