In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
