I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
