highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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